Just for the record…I am not an advocate for divorce. In an ideal world, couples who get married…happily stay together for a lifetime. Unfortunately, this is not always the case and these days divorce is more common than ever.
Through the years since going through this major change in my life, I have been asked by many friends to give them advice on how to go through the process and come out happy on the other end. Somehow, the girl who never, ever thought she would get a divorce has become ‘a poster child for a good divorce.”
The guidance in this book is written in a conversational tone from one mom to another and is served up in bite-sized pieces. It is meant to prepare you for the discussions you need to have and the decisions you need to make, while keeping your children as the focus…and prioritizing yourself too. Ultimately, the goal is for you to be able to put your experience in the category of a “good divorce.”
PREPARING for the CHANGE
Where to Start
Mindset is Essential
Understand Your Finances
Prepare Your Budget
Traditional vs. Collaborative
Find the Best Legal Support for You
Define Your Ideal Timeframe
Think through Trade-offs
Confirm Where You Want to Live
Determine How to Tell Your Children
…and more…
DURING the CHANGE
Outline Parenting Plan Together
Creating Two Homes
Create a Home Base
Create the Space You Want to Live In
Minimize the Gaps
Prepare the Professional Traveler
Set a Goal to Never Pack a Bag
Create a Family Calendar
…and more…
POST the CHANGE
Prepare for a Year of Firsts
Recover from Divorce Hangover
Understand that Everyone Takes a Side
Helping Your Children with Gift Giving
Planning & Attending Birthday Parties
Displaying Photos of Your Ex-Husband
…and more…
REFLECTIONS
The New Normal
The Modern Family
…and more…
A year after my divorce was final…Grace and I were standing in line at CVS waiting to check out. There was a People magazine displayed at the counter that had Jennifer Lopez and Marc Antony on the cover and the headline said something about them getting a divorce. Grace pointed to the cover and said, “Mommy, is that a good divorce or a bad divorce?” I was caught off guard by her question, but I stopped and asked her, “Grace, I am not sure…how would you explain a good divorce and a bad divorce?” Grace shared that “a good divorce is when the mommy and daddy are nice to each other and try to be friends…like you and daddy and a bad divorce is when the mommy and daddy fight and scream at each other.”
I walked out of the CVS that day and reflected on what Grace had just shared…as she was able to categorize our divorce as a “good divorce.” I knew the approach her dad and I were taking to our divorce was working.
This is actually the guide which would have been helpful to refer to when I was going through my divorce from both an emotional and practical standpoint. So…I have structured “The Guide” in specific phases relating to the change you are about to make in your life. The reason this should be useful is that you can read a section at a time, absorb and process what you have read, then set the book aside if you need to…until you are ready to read the next section.
There is so much to think through when you are going through this change, and what I have found from discussing all of these details with my girlfriends going through it is that they generally could only process one phase at a time…and only when they were ready for the next phase would we take the next steps on the journey.
It is an understatement to say that this is a very emotional process…and your emotions will come into play in some phases more than others. Give yourself time to process each phase as you need to.
There are many reasons that trigger a divorce and the reasons are often emotionally driven. So, you need to do all you can to…stop…collect yourself…be smart…and approach the process in a very conscious way…trying to take as much emotion out of the process as possible in order to achieve the outcome that you desire.
My friend who was going through the process shared this quote…”Walk away from a marriage…don’t run.” Another friend offered…”Calm is your friend” when going through a divorce. The calmer (and more level-headed) you can be when navigating the process, the better the outcome will be in the end.
It can be overwhelming to see all of the points that you need to think through during the process listed out. It is important to recognize this is a process, so take it in bite-sized pieces that you can handle…
A small note about the design of this book…it has been outlined specifically for the mindset of a woman who is starting to think through what it will take to get divorced.
So…I have decided to put only one topic on a page and have included as much white space as possible to provide space for you to think about the specific topic.
Only turn the page when you are ready for the next topic…that could be tomorrow…next week…next month…
There is always compromise at different points in a marriage…and this is one of those instances where you really need to think through the compromises that you are willing to make…as there are going to be trade-offs that come with being divorced.
The important thing is for you to get clear on what you are willing to trade off…what you want to fight for…and the things that do not matter to you at all. The clarity you have on these points will have implications
on your life and your children’s lives.
So…take some time to think about the things that are genuinely important to you…the things that you want to control…and what you are willing to let go…this is where you pick your battles (in advance)…then, let the rest go…
It is important not to show your hand…as you can use those points that are unimportant to you as leverage for other things that are important to you.
As you head into discussions with your spouse, there will be surprises and disappointments…moments when you think to yourself…”I thought I knew this person”…so, you need to prepare yourself and arm yourself with emotional toughness to get through these discussions.
This is a defining part of the process…as this will set the tone for the divorce, and for the relationship you will have with your ex-husband post-divorce.
When you are thinking through the decision of how to structure your children’s lives, there are so many considerations…many of which depend on whether you are going to have sole custody or joint custody.
Either way (sole custody or joint custody)…the hardest thing I was told when I was going through my divorce came from our child specialist, whom we met with in advance of having Grace see him.
He asked me if I traveled, and I said, “Yes, I travel internationally for my job.” He asked my ex-husband, and he said, “Yes, I travel domestically for my job.” Then, the child specialist said, “Well, Grace has just become a professional traveler…she is going to travel back and forth between your two homes for the next eleven years.” At that point, I burst into tears because the reality was setting in that regardless of the reasons why we were getting a divorce…Grace was going to be the one most impacted by our decision.
So, at that point we made a couple of decisions…and I appreciate that what I am going to share with you is dependent on the fact that we could afford to take this approach. However, I can share with you five years after the fact…I fundamentally believe that some of the decisions we have made regarding Grace’s day-to-day schedule and routine have made a big difference in terms of her ability to adjust to the significant change we put her through due to the divorce.
The first year after your divorce is final can be a hard year. It will also be a year of firsts…and with every first…whether it is first holiday, birthday, parent-teacher conference, school play, sporting event, family vacation…whatever it is…reflect on that first and decide whether you want to repeat the way you approached it…and decide if there is anything you will never repeat again.
The good news is that the “Year of Firsts” is only one year, but it is a year you should learn from…as it will help you define how you want to live your life in this next phase you are entering post-divorce.